Elephant Stew
by Starkiller
Summary: After being caught up in a wizardly domestic, Quoth, the raven, turns to the Death of Rats, who in turn turns to Susan, who in turn locks the door. A series of Susan x Raven drabbles.
1. Prompt 01: An eternal connection

**A/N:** Afraid this might be a bit of an AU as I'm fairly new to the Discworld series and I've only read two out of three Susan-featured stories (Soul Music & Hogfather). Please let me know if I make a fantastic cock up of everything! XD

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**  
Elephant Stew****  
****Prompt 01:**_ An eternal connection_

**oOo**

"It's you."

"Very astute. Care to let me in?"

"Not even a little bit. What are you doing like …_that?_"

The raven cocked his head to one side, eyes swivelling wildly. "I'd be very happy to oblige you, if you'd only open the latch there…"

Susan StoHelit focused her most stern double-barrelled glare at the face pressed against the window pane. "Surely there are plenty of wizards and things you can go to about your condition. You _live_ with a wizard for goodness sakes. Why come here? Why me? Why must it always be me? I told you I wasn't having any more of this...this… this _silliness!_" she spat through clenched teeth, just in case a respectable someone happened to be listening over her shoulder. Of course, in Susan's mind a troll convicted of murder, arson, and stamping on the heads of small fluffy kittens, became a respectable member of society when measured up to her grandfather's associates.

The raven shrugged his shoulders. "You're an amiable chum."

"Chum?"

**"**Squeak?"

The raven shrugged again. "I heard it's making a come-back."

"It's not. And neither are you. Go away." She reached for the shutters.

"Ah, see that? What did ah tell you, eh? If I was a happy little chattering robin, bob, bob bobbing along or perhaps a congenial swallow, I'd be out the cold and by the fire quick as you could say Bob's yer uncle, but as it is I get the cold shoulder and why? Cos I happen to have a high protein intake. Hardly my fault that I have an acquired taste -"

"- For eyeballs and entrails, and worse than that, _for turning my world upside down. _**Repeatedly.**"

"Them's was circumstances! Don't shoot the messenger."

"Go away the pair of you and ruin somebody else's life for a change," Susan said coldly. "You live with a wizard, pester him for help."

"Ah, yeah, about that…" The raven lifted a small brass birdcage up to the level of the window. The Death of Rats, who had been up until that moment perched on the raven's head, hopped onto the cage and began tapping his little scythe on the bars in an excited manner.

"Squeak eek ek squeak-squeak eek..."

"Don't play cute," Susan warned, scowling at the bony creature, then pressed her face against the glass and peered inside the cage. An old raven was perched on the head of a grinning skull, missing most of its feathers and sporting a wiry beard from its shrivelled black beak. A pointed purple hat spattered with the obligatory silver moons and stars sat atop its head.

"Ain't really in much of position to do his bit of _abracadabra_ as you can see. But ah gave him his hot cocoa at 9:00pm and out like a light he went, lucky bugger. Fine and dandy fer him, isn't it?" The raven's eyes revolved. "Me- well just bleedin' _look_ at me!"

Susan did. There had been a definite change in height since they'd last met. He was a good head taller than her now. Tall. Pale and tall. And there was a distinct lack of feathers and wings. Indeed, the only thing about _Quoth_ that remained remotely ravenish was his eyes, which had somehow managed to retain their ability to swivel independently of their own accord.

"Legs and arms!" he said, waving one arm and leg for dramatic effect. "All legs and arms. Humans are made of nothin' but legs and arms!" He tripped, and swore. "And feet."

Susan put her hands over her face, a part of her hoping they'd all be gone, raven, rodent, skull and all, when she remerged. But a bigger part of her knew there was a greater chance of her grandfather turning up in a pink chemise. It seemed they were eternally connected.

She sighed, defeated. "You'd better come in."

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Please comment! I'd love to hear what you think of this pairing xxx


	2. Prompt 01: Advice

**Elephant Stew**

**Prompt 02:**_ Advice_

Quoth, the raven, was never lost for words (unless the word presented to him was 'nevermore' - old jokes remain old). His transition from bird to human had not stunted his appetite for talking, and try as she might he managed to repel even her driest retorts and steeliest double-barreled glares with a quick quip.

His appetite for eyeballs hadn't lessened any, either. Every small action of his wiry, featherless body and swivelling eyes; the way his dark hair stuck up at all angles; his coarse, undignified and macabre sense of humour made her skin shudder in revulsion. And there was no one-upping the raven. But Susan would never admit, on pain of Death, that he was smarter than she was.

"I need some advice."

It took every ounce of willpower she had to resist the satisfied smirk tugging at her lips. Susan put down her book and stared at him across the table.

"What could you possibly want with my advice?"

The raven waved an airy hand. "You're always reminding me how educated and logical you are, and logic's never settled well with me. Gives me cramps, it does. I deal in the illogical. Less of a bitter bite."

Susan sighed loudly, blowing air through her nose like a horse. "Incorrigible bird."

"Thank you."

"What type of advice?"

"More of a casual musing really."

"What casual musing?" she asked, impatiently.

Quoth steepled his fingers and stared at her; _directly_ at her. His eyes were not black, she realised, but a deep, penetrating blue – there was always something going on behind those eyes. Having them so focused on Susan made her face turn flush. She felt suddenly feverish and heavy, as though some weight was pressing down on her chest. Still, she managed to glower through it.

And then his face broke into a wicked leer.

"If you had sex with a doppelganger, would that be incest, masturbation or just plain buggery?"

"P-Pardon?!" Susan spluttered, getting to her feet. "For Pete's sake! That's what you wanted to ask me? You brutish CAD!"

"A'right, a'right! No need to ruin that pretty face with all them nasty words," he said, smirking. "Was just a bit of a musing. I s'pose you were expecting an emphatic declaration of love." He paused. "Who's Pete?"

"I'm sure he was someone who knew the meaning of dignity and understood the importance of polite conversation!" she yelled, wrenching the front door open and stepping through it. "Now go away please. I am very busy and important!"

The little house trembled as the door slammed behind her.

"You reckon she meant me to go through that door?" asked the raven, wearily.

The Death of Rats nodded. "Squeak."

"Humans really like their drama. Pretty thick, for being Death's Granddaughter. Mind you, heard her parents weren't the sharpest arrows in the quiver." The raven rolled his eyes wildly. "That's education for you. Stuffs your head full of facts and assumptions, and leaves no room for knowledge."

The Death of Rats glared at him. "Squeak-squeak?"

"Dunno why, just came out." Quoth shrugged. "Looks a bit like a tiger when she's all riled up," he said, then added gently, "Good look for her actually…"

The Death of Rats looked at him curiously. "Squeak squeak?"

"Of course not!" the raven spluttered. "Just fooling. That's all."

There was a break of silence. Then the Death of Rats raised its bony snout and sniffed, importantly. "Squeak squeak-squeak."

The raven opened his mouth in astonishment. "What d'ya mean, pretty girls make fools?! I'm not takin' any advice from a species that gives the Plague a piggy-back ride!"

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Hope you like it! Please do review, I'd love to hear what people think of this couple, hehe!xxx


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